#CNY

i say a little prayer with every glowing ember;

in odd numbers and aromatic sandalwood

that lingers and pierces through

one's nose and soul.

The thing about grief

Missing a friend extra hard today. It's been three years since he passed, but I'm still mourning. My Sundays will never be the same again without you, buddy. Thank you for being a great friend and for teaching me how to be one, too. I hope you're having some damn good coffee and whiskey, wherever you are.

Also, if any of you is reading this, take this as a sign: reach out to a friend (or a loved one) and let them know how grateful you are to have them in your life.

That's one regret I have; that I never got to tell him that he's my favorite person in the world.

Buhay Ninja

Totoo nga siguro ang sabi nila na, "Time flies when you're having fun."


Kung iisipin ko kasi, tatlong taon na ang lumipas simula noong bumalik ako sa trabahong ito. 2017 nung pinili ko ulit maging isang ninja producer, among other things. Kung susumahin ko naman, halos siyam na taon rin ang itinagal ko sa industriyang ito. At aaminin ko, hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na tumagal ako sa trabaho na ito; a career that I built from scratch.

Nakakaloka lang, diba?

Nagsimula ako bilang isang EA na naging PA, na naging Researcher, na naging Production Manager, hanggang sa naging (docu) Producer ako, at ngayon isang makulit na Supervising Producer. Totoo nga siguro ang sabi nila na 'fake it till you make it,' kasi kahit hindi ako comms major or filmmaker, eh may mga taong naniwala sa kakayahan ng utak at pagkatao ko. Akalain mong binigyan nila ako ng oportunidad na magtrabaho at matuto.

Kung anu-anong istorya na ang hinanap at pinaglaban ko para ma-pitch. Kung saan-saan na ako nakarating para mang-interview at mag-shoot: mapa-bundok, landfill, pati sa loob ng masikip na kulungan. quota na rin ako sa pag-tumbling, pag-iyak at pagpupuyat. na-break ko na ang personal record ko na walang tulugan ng halos 32-hours dahil sa deadlines.

    

On that note, isang mahalagang paalala para sa mga bagets: HUWAG. AKONG. GAYAHIN. MATULOG KAYO! UTANG NA LOOB!!

Sa ngayon, medyo nagagamay ko na ang ibang aspeto ng trabaho ko. Uso sa amin ang colloboration, lalo na pagdating sa concept creation, pitching at pagsusulat. Masasabi ko na nakakapag-practice na ako ng maayos lalo na pagsusulat ng script at paggawa ng mga pitch deck. Nitong taon na ito, naging co-writer ako ng scripts para sa sex-comedy series na ginawa namin. At medyo quota na rin ako (at ang aking maliit na ulo at brain cells!!) sa mga concepts na na-pitch namin sa iba't-ibang mga kliyente namin.

And I won't lie, I think I've earned the right to na maging proud sa mga pinag-gagagawa kong pagpupuyat, pag-iyak (na mala-South China Sea sa lawak at gulo!), at paglaban sa mga ideya at istorya na sa tingin kong worth it.

But I have to be honest, hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ako magtatagal sa trabahong ito. Aware din naman ako na mas maraming magaling sa akin. Kung makikilala mo ako sa personal, medyo papasa pa akong fresh grad o intern... dahil sa boses kong tunog Pikachu at sa height kong pang-elementary. #youcanthaveitall daw kasi bes!

Pero ok, jokes aside, tulad nga ng sabi ko maraming mas bata sa akin na may experience, mas matindi ang hustling skills, at updated ang skills set in terms of selling and slaving themselves in this industry. And ok, aaminin ko rin na dumating na ako sa punto na kinukwestyon ko na rin ang sarili ko:

Kaya pa ba? Masaya ka pa ba? Relevant ka pa rin ba?

Kapag sumasagi sa isip ko ang mga tanong na ito, gusto ko siyang tawagin bilang existential crisis - kung anong mang crisis ang pinagdadaanan ng tao - kapag nag-trenta na siya. O baka in-denial lang ako? Hay! ewan ko na. Siguro kapag dumating na yung oras na yun; na wala na! finish na! give up na si ate girl!

Cue in bow sabay exit sa kanan.

On a sweeter note, grateful naman ako sa trabahong ito. Kahit ilang beses kong siyang iniwan, because reasons, eh binabalik-balikan ko pa rin siya. Kung hindi dahil sa trabahong 'to, hindi ko makilala ng mas mabuti ang sarili ko; yung good side, yung bad side. Idamay mo na si crazy-in-between dahil dito ko na-realize na may silbi pala ang pagiging weird do. Akalain mo yun?

At para naman sa iba sa inyo, habang nandito pa ako eh mulhang wala tayong lahat choice... kung hindi pagtiisan ako. Kidding! Seriously though, huwag kayo mag-alala. Masaya at profesisonal akong katrabaho. That I can definitely assure you.

Kung hindi ka pa rin convinced, eh di ililibre kita ng kape tapos mag-usap tayo. G?

Oh, Valentine's

Here's to all those
who are taken,
almost taken,
taken for granted,
waiting to be taken,
assumed to be taken,
and those who aren't taken seriously.

The thing about waves

"You never really know what's coming.

A small wave, or maybe a big one.

All you can really do is hope that when it comes,

you can surf over it, instead of drown in its monstrosity."

Of Funks & Hiatus

The first thought that came to my mind as I start writing this is: I AM STILL ALIVE

Ok, saying that kinda sounds morbid? I blame this melodramatic(!?) feeling of mine to the long hiatus I've had from writing. It's been a while since I last wrote something... personal here. Also, I feel like this page has gathered a lot of cobwebs already of which makes me feel guilty even more because I made a promise to myself that I would write more often.

I guess I'm not good with making promises then? YIKES.

Anyway, here's a quick life update for all of you-

My brain has been busy jumping from one project to another lately. Work has been pretty much busy and crazy since we've got three big projects rolling for this year. Our team is currently doing a 10-episode sex comedy series for HOOQ, a streaming app. We still have four(!!!) more shooting days to finish the remaining episodes, while post-production will be on a roll until September.

In case you wanna check it out our sex-positive series, HOOQ drops a new episode, on both their app and on their website for free, every Friday. Episodes one to five is available for streaming for now as well.

Ok, forgive me for doing a shameless plug here!!

Aside from the sex series, we're also working on a rockumentary and a true-crime series. The projects were commissioned by two different clients, but both needs to have a pilot out by the end of the year. So, I need to make sure that happens... in four months!!

The former is currently in the production stage. I've managed to squeeze in two shooting days, and I have to say- it was insane! Also, it was my second time to direct a shoot (it happened on the very last minute!!!) so my head was all over the place- WHICH IS NOT THE WAY TO GO!!!!- and I was having a tiny heart attack before and during the shoot. But thankfully, I managed and emerged from that shoot alive. I don't know how, but I fucking did!

I just have to say that my takeaway from that moment... is that I'm very much happy working as a Producer than being a Director... especially if you're working with rockstars! LOL

On the night of the second shoot, we had to film an actual gig. It was crazy fun- except for the paying for an overpriced iced tea part. Haha! It was my first time to watch a gig again, not to mention to go to a crowded bar in Makati, and on a Friday night. We finished filming before midnight, and by the time I woke up a few hours after I swear I could still hear the drums and the bass ringing in my ears.

As for the latter, the crime series is currently on pre-production/writing stage. And to be honest, this project is giving me tiny heart attacks at some point. But let's not get into that for now.

So that's pretty much what I've been up to lately. There are so many things happening and I'm trying my best to stay focused to get things done. I'd like to think that I've managed to do so because there are days where I feel an accomplished (wonder)woman. And I suppose that's a good thing, right?

But I won't lie, I also have those days where I feel exhausted and depleted. Whenever that happens, I find myself fighting hard the feeling of just staying in bed and cry. And that's not a good thing too because it leads to more problems; from feeling frustrated, angry, and empty, among other things.

I think this quote from Jeanette Winterson best explains what I feel:

"The body shuts down when it has too much to bear; goes its own way quietly inside, waiting for a better time, leaving you numb and half alive."

But ok, before you judge me though, I'm telling you now that I'm doing something about it. I won't go into details about it, but let me assure you that I'm working on this. All I can say is that I need to get out of this funk. And first on my list is how to get out of this negative madness that's been lurking around me.

#IWD2019

"A woman is human.

She is not better, wiser, stronger,

more intelligent, more creative,

or more responsible than a man.

Likewise, she is never less.

Equality is given.

A woman is human."

Here's to all women who are courageous, confident, resilient, among all other things. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.

Happy International Women's Day!

The concept of Home

"Home is not a place,it's a feeling." 

― Cecelia Ahern, Love, Rosie

That thing called Valentines

"Today's Valentine's Day.
There's a whole day devoted solely to love.
Does that make any sense? Nah.
Love makes us all crazy.
But it's fun too."

#CNY

"Regardless of what sign you are,
like I said, pay attention
to your well-being.
Physical, mental and
emotional well being.
Be mindful of the words
that you choose.
Pay attention to relationships.
Try to always achieve
that balance in your life.
Work-life balance..."



Read more here.

Christmas lights

"Oh christmas lights,
light up the street.
Light up the fireworks in me.
May all your troubles
soon be gone.
Those christmas lights
keep shining on."

— Coldplay, Christmas Lights 

Oh, Taipei 101

To be honest, discovering you was a bit frustrating.

By the time I reached the top of the escalator, I stopped and looked up. I found myself staring at your a tall bamboo-looking structure that was partly covered by fog. Suddenly, raindrops started falling from the sky. The people around were opening their umbrellas, while some were running to look for a dry spot. But there I was, looking like a lost child while staring at the dancing lights, the waving flags, and getting in the way of people.

If you ask me, it felt a bit cinematic- in a funny way. But not until it started to get chaotic.

The area was crowded. Buses filled with tour groups were coming non-stop and they were scattered everywhere. You would hear a variety of languages speaking, screaming, laughing and getting confused with translation. The rain didn’t stop them from waiting to see what’s inside and what’s above. Excitement and chaos filled the air.

But at the end of it, I was able to have some peace and quiet.

Two blocks away was a quiet corner; an empty pedestrian, apartments with their cozy lights and tv screens on, and outdoor Christmas decors that were getting drenched. From afar, I could still see you- standing tall and trying to be shining and shimmering on a cold winter night. So I stared for one last time with admiration and interest before saying goodbye. Then I turned my back and continued walking, while letting Google Maps dictate where I should go to next.

Oh, 2018

"Most days it feels
as if the world is whirling
around me and I am
standing still. 

In slow motion,
I watch the colours blur;
people and faces
all become a massive wash."

This definitely sums up my 2018.

Untitled.05

Kumapit ka sa patalim
hanggang ika’y masaktan,
masugatan.
Huwag kang bibitiw
hanggang ang sakit ay
unti-unting makasanayan,
maibsan,
hanggang sa tuluyang mawala.

Ganyan talaga ang buhay,
masasaktan ka,
magdudusa ka,
para ika’y magdala’t matuto.
Pero kahit anong mangyari,
kumapit ka lang ng mahigpit.
Tandaan mo,
makakaraos ka rin.

Doom & Gloom

"The past, present, and future,
were all equally in gloom."

— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

High tide mornings

"I walk to the landing

where I sometimes go to watch

the water eat the day."

#ChildrensDay

"Children need
the freedom
and time to play.
Play is not a luxury.
Play is a necessity."

#IWD

"Huwag mong tingnan ang babae na libangan lamang, kundi isang katuwang at karamay sa mga kahirapan nitong buhay; gamitin mo nang buong pagpipitagan ang kanyang (pisikal na) kahinaan, at alalahanin ang iyong inang pinagmulan at nag-aruga sa iyong kasanggulan."

Isang paalala na ang babae ay hindi basta-basta; boses nila'y hindi papapigil hanggang sa marinig ang kanilang pinaniniwalaan at pinaglalaban.

Maligayang Araw ng mga Kababaihan!

50 Words: Morning Conversations

“Morning!” greeted the butterfly.

She smiled weakly but said nothing.

“Smile and be sunny, just like the sun.” the butterfly reminded.

“But I can't…” she whispers. 

“Smile my dear, you deserve it!” reminded the butterfly. 

She stared at her wings in silence, until slowly tears roll down on her cheeks.

#Supersonic

"I'm feeling supersonic,
give me gin and tonic.
You can have it all

but how much do you want it?" 

Supersonic //
Oasis