Happy Birthday... sort of.

image taken from here

"Even if it’s a dumb story, telling it changes other people just the slightest little bit, just as living the story changes me. An infinitesimal change. And that infinitesimal change ripples outward –ever forgotten, but the stories will last. And so we all matter –maybe less than a lot, but always more than none."
– John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

Today's reminder that apparently this online space, well mostly some parts of it, of mine has been existing and collecting a bunch of cobwebs for the past fifteen years.

Back in 2006, I decided to make an online diary (very old school, I know!) as I started my life as a budding kolehiyala. The majority of my posts were all about my experiences in school; from the funny, silly, and even horrifying ones. And okay, most of them contained so many rants, too. Remembering how I wrote all of them back then, well you best believe that they were all dramatic. But you know what, I'm not going to apologize for that. Because those were the days where no one really gives a shit about what you say and post on the internet.

I mean, if you're a kid who grew up with MySpace and Tumblr then I'm pretty sure you can relate to what I mean. Amirite?

Enter 2009. After three years of oversharing my life to the internet void, I decided to delete the blog. Back then I felt that the space has served its purpose for me. I went on and DELETED EVERYTHING (of which I am kinda regretting now!) but for some weird reason, I didn't delete the domain. I just went on blogging hiatus (if that's even a term for it) and stopped writing. Or more likely, I lost my interest in writing.

In the following year, I decided to create another blog on a different platform. I cannot exactly remember though if it was on WordPress or LiveJournal, but my sole reason for making one was to attempt to write again. But obviously, it didn't really happen! I tried it out for a month or two but then I got bored of it. So, I took it down too. 

Yeah, yeah. I suck. Tell me something I don't know.

Before the same year ended, I went on a clean sweep of all my online accounts. I checked which ones I needed to deactivate and which ones I'll keep using. That's when I came across my old domain once again. I managed to figure out my password -- which was luckily etched somewhere in my very messy brain -- and I was able to access the account. My only memory of that moment was when I clicked the dashboard, I had this silly, huge smile on my face. The next thing I knew, I went back to blogging once again.

And as they say, the rest was history.

After four years, my restless self wanted to quit again. Although this time it was for personal (and okay, very emotional) reasons. However, the old me didn't learn from my past mistake. Ya girl obviously wasn't literate about the concept of archiving back, so she ended up deleting most of the contents of the blog. After that, I went on to deactivate the entire account. That move was to make sure that nobody can trace it online.

Things you do when you're very emotional, right? My bad, people. My bad!

Around the last quarter of 2015, the internet gods nudged me. I tried to check if I can still reactivate the account; domain, contents, and all. I was contemplating whether I should just use it again, for the sake of familiarity, or I would just close it down and move on. I ended up doing a bit of both. I kept the account but I deactivated the domain. The computer noob in me also learned that I can create a new one within the same account, so that's what I eventually did.

But I have to be honest, I'm barely keeping this space alive for the past six years. As the saying goes, the struggle has been freaking real! One factor is that laziness gets into me too. But to those who personally know me, they think that I enjoy (and at some point, thrive on it!?) writing. So they really don't buy the idea that I'm not motivated enough. I guess I've probably been faking it for a very long time, for them to think of me that way? Or something like that. 

Apart from writing, I have other reasons why I'm still holding on here. If it wasn't for blogging/writing, I wouldn't have met a few people who eventually became my really close friends; both online and offline. And of course, this space will always remind me of the "good times" where I can freely talk about anything: from the sensible to the senseless, to probably some stupid shit, among other things. And because anonymity was respected, it was empowering and liberating.

Not to mention the fact that it offered me a safe space where I can just be myself.

Laziness aside, don't get me wrong. I try to convince myself to write. I've been looking for ways to make use of this space. In 2017, I joined the blogging bandwagon of writing a series of Sunday blog posts. And I'm happy to report that I've managed to be consistent at it. Operative word: managed. And I'm also putting my occasional word vomits into good use here by writing bits of poetry here, too.

So, please don't give up on me?

The fact that I'm still trying to be active here and all is an achievement for me already. I mean isn't writing all about trying and you occupying space with your thoughts at your own time? Well, that's how I view it. I may be wrong or it may be different from you.

Anyway, here's to more bleaching thoughts being thrown at ya, blogosphere. Thanks for keeping up with me, too.