Birthday note to self: 03

For the longest time, I haven't been really honest about a lot of things. So I think it's about time that I do so.

Since I was 12, my life revolved around masking and hiding things; from witnessing a family tear apart, to losing a home and losing people you consider your friends, among other things. And as I prepare myself for the worst, all I could do was to accept that this was my reality now, and I need to learn how to move forward from it instead.

To be honest, it was tough. Isn't it hard to expect a 12-year old to move on from whatever pain & trauma they experienced? Especially if the kid witnessed a parent who tried his child with a knife during a petty fight, or if the kid gets thrown at with a chair just because the parent got pissed.

But what can she do? She was expected to deal with it, forget and move on, without any complaints. So that's what she did.

Believe me, she tried.

But as years passed by, despite me trying to deal with it, I again lost one more thing: myself.

Adjusting to my new reality also meant that I had to say goodbye to my old self; from my inner voice, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. And because of that, I felt that I was robbed of other things too- from having options and making my own choices, to having the possibility of having my own dreams or even planning my future. It was a painful thing to lose, but I didn't have any choice. The day I lost my sense of being was the day my old self died.

As much as I want to question or complain, I couldn't. Because if I showed any hint of anger, frustration, or hatred, I was called out as ungrateful and selfish.

Fast forward to 18 years after. As I turn 30 today, as much as I want to consider myself like a grown ass adult, I still see myself as a big mess too. There are days where I'm ok and doesn't give a fuck about old wounds. I can easily convince myself that all is well and cruising the road to healing is a breeze.

But there are days wherein matter how much tears I've shed, prayers I've offered, and god knows what, I'm back to square one- dealing and drowning in pain. It's fucked up but I'm doing the best I can to not succumb in doing anything stupid.

Believe me, I'm trying my best here. But I won't lie, part of me is about to give up too.